Monday, November 21, 2005

Scary Direction

Ok So Last Friday and Saturday saw me in a rather pensive mood, I had missed yet another deadline, with completion not looking to come anytime soon, added to that, I had some calls from a number of friends that Either shook me up or they were being shaken up, all in a it was a pretty ‘Roller Coaster-ish’ weekend.

The problem is, what made this weekend so scary, was that I had a extremely strong urge to just have a few drinks by myself at Escape (* escape is a little Bar/Club near where I work).
Believe me when I say strong I mean strong, If didn’t have anything else to do I would have reached. One friend has already told me that this is the first step to being an alcoholic. :S

It is weird I am not sure what is happening to me in that regard, I have moved from a person who would not touch liquor 6 yrs ago to some one who drinks regularly when going out, and added to that is now at a point where I enjoy spending time by myself with a drink.

Mind you I have only done that escape thing once, but I left there feeling so much better, that every time I am in one of those moods I just want to go.

I think the liquor combined with the ability to be alone with my thoughts is what I like the most. I am out in the open, fresh air a good drink, and only strangers around me, who respect my desire to be alone.

And you know the sad part; just typing about it makes me want to go there tonight.

What is happening to me?

I do have a deep rooted fair of becoming an alcoholic, I know I have a personality that has a propensity for Addictions, but at the same time, I am comfortable where I am, it and I know that currently my drinking level is not a threat to myself or anyone, but can I say the same thing Six Months or a year from now? :S

I know that prevention is better than cure, but its hard. I hope that once I get my vac. And I get to relax a bit, these urges will go, but I have a nagging suspicion they wont.

Anyway, have a conference call coming up have to run.

See Ya

8 comments:

B said...

At least you have recognized that there is the potential for a problem in the future. Continue to lean on your friends for support and try to exert control over your own emotions. You know we're here for you.

Bashmentbasses said...

On the other side, I find nothing wrong with what you feel. There are many roads towards alcoholism and to say that that one will get you there faster is a bit paranoid.

I would however caution (because it is irresponsible of me not to) that any increase in that lonely drinking behaviour (frequency and/or quantity) should be watched or better yet, be a sign to roll back.

Just my experience speaking, despite the fact that I have avoided disaster, doesn't mean that puss and dog have the same luck.

D said...

I agree with BB...just be careful. Might not be necessary to stop totally. Could try give yourself limits i.e. no more than x drinks per visit or something like that. Could also try other ways to relax, in case x drinks doesnt do it.

Rae said...

The extremist that I am, I would tell you try and not lean on it at all.

The fact that you have found a friend in one glass is bad enough, because when you really feel stressed and have no one else to turn to, you will go to the thing u know will help. That's just the way people are. Like D said, finding other ways to relax is good advice, and I think it should be first rather than second to the glass. Conditioning yourself to find other outlets opens your choices and lessens your chances of falling back on a drink.

laroper18 said...

Drinking isn't the only problem I think you have. You have changed to become someone who seems to take life a bit too lightly (I think I do sometimes as well so I know). Maybe you should evaluate your currently state of thinking/relationships/way of life, because that is where the problem may lie.

I preach to myself as well...

Bashmentbasses said...

Being my usual .....advocate, After my exams we'll sit and have a drink and discuss your coping mechanisms. I have been becoming concerned with your more ..... your less..... your adjustments to life.

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